Pretending really doesn't do anyone a whole lot of favors. My 4 year old brother Cole just received what he calls a "wing pack" for Christmas...which translates to a strap on set of Buzz Lightyear wings that he has apparently been wanting since August. The wings have rarely come off since Christmas Eve, and it was all fun and games till he tried to actually fly. Looking back we should have told him that those weren't real wings, but his innocent imagination got the best of him. Pretending to fly, he jumped off the 6th stair at Mimi's house and fell to the ground quickly thereafter. Pretending to fly wasn't a good idea because Cole Hasbrouck isn't a bird or a plane or Buzz Lightyear. He is a 4 year old boy.
I pretend alot of things. After 19 years of living I have learned not to pretend things like that I can fly or that I am a famous ballerina but I still pretend. Here are some things I have been pretending for a while...
-I like to run.
-I am a morning person.
-I pray everyday.
-I always get something out of reading the Bible.
-I know what I am doing with my life.
-I let God have control and do what He wants to do.
-I do laundry regularly.
-I am neat and organized.
-I have a healthy diet and I exercise.
-I have some athletic ability.
-I wasn't scared to move to Australia.
-I am not still scared of being in a new country away from everything I know.
And those are just a few...Now if you know me well, or even at all, you will notice that many of those things you already knew weren't qualities of mine. For instance if you are my mother or have been my roommate for any length oftime you will know that I NEVER do laundry. If you are even a mere aquaintence you know I am NOT athletic. You may have even heard me say that being away from home still scares me or that I hate to run. But from time to time, and more often that I would like to admit, I pretend that all those things are true because it makes me feel better. And I have this crazy idea that I am going to wake up one day and be the person I have been waiting to be all these years. Why do I think that? I'm not sure I will ever know. But here's what I do know. Pretending and not getting real with myself is putting off the inevitable point when I wake up and realize that change doesn't just happen. And some things will always be hard for me...and that is OK.
If I can't even be real with myself, then how can I be real with God? I just read Psalm 139 about God knowing your innermost being and knowing my thoughts before they even come out of my mouth. When I was younger and more optimistic I read that and felt all warm and fuzzy inside. It was comforting that there was someone who knew everything and was in total control and was holding me in his right hand. But it's different now. It scares me to death that He knows everything! I almost don't like the idea of Him already knowing everything I am and will ever be because I know barely anything...and truth be told...I want to know! I want control, I want to call the shots. And if I can't call the shots, I at least want to know what they are so I can be ready. So I don't have a whole lot of answers and I honestly don't knowhow to fix all the problems God is slowly and painfully revealing to me. But here are some things I do know, and I hope they are somewhat helpful and encouraging to you...
-I know that God is good even when I am not. Faithful when I am faithless. And slow to anger.
-I know that he honors obedience and that walking on love and imitating Him will never ever steer me the wrong way.
-I know that He has all the answers even when I am not listening or seeking or finding any of them.
-I know that He loves me and will never love me less no matter what I do.
-I know that I will mess up...and He will be there.
-I know that I have a wonderful family who loves me and misses me when I am gone.
-I know that I have friends who love me the way I am but challenge me to be more.
-I know that I am a good friend and daughter and sister.
-I know that I have an exciting life that has many more exciting years left to enjoy.
-I know that I who I am is enough for God.
-I know that I am not invisible to Him and that He hasn't forgotten me.
I want to live each day to the fullest even when I don'tfeel like it. I want to accept that I am terrified out of my mind that I don't know what's ahead and keep on walking forward. I want to take time to get coffee with friends and buy lunch for people even when I don't have enough money in my bank account. I want to do new things, go new places, meet new people, and see new things. I want to bring joy and life and peace. I want to be willing to be inconvenienced to put others first, and someday not see that as an inconvenience at all. I want to love hard and dream big and encourage everyone around me to do the same. I want God to smile at me and be proud of what I did with the years He gave me. And I want the same for you.
You are loved and unique and the best is yet to come.
Picture below is from Tunes Under the Moon!! Beautiful night with people I love...got a little taste of what I think heaven will be like :)