Friday, April 29, 2011


Congrats to William and Kate on your marriage, sorry I couldn't be there as I am living on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and couldn't quite afford the flight. She looked like a princess and he a lucky, balding, middle aged man...i wish you both well :)

I'm trying to be a bit more consistent with blogging, actually just more consistent overall. I am getting ready to leave my teenage years in a few weeks and it's gotten me thinking that's it's time to grow up a bit. I don't want to look back on these years and wish I would have done more and gotten more out of life, so I am trying to do more things on purpose. Have coffee with people on purpose, make food on purpose, read my Bible on purpose...not because I happen to stumble upon some free time here and there. I found myself thinking the other day about why I am doing what I am doing. Hopefully I am not the only one who ever questions why they die to themselves everyday for a God they can't see, and why I put all my trust in something I can't feel with my own two hands. And frankly, it is scary. Scary, and for me the last few weeks...exhausting. And here is my process...1.) Get exhausted - I'm tired and then I... 2.) Lose perspective - I forget why I am doing what I'm doing in the first place which makes me... 3.) Resent what I'm doing - which causes me to ignore God and... 4.) Read my Bible and pray a whole lot less...
I get so frustrated and all my eyes can see through the fog of pity I have created is how alone and scary my world has become. Bad things happen to good people. Daughters lose fathers and wives lose husbands. People who constantly do things for others and serve their hearts right out have to take on three jobs just to stay afloat...
I have been a little caught up in those thoughts lately...just not understanding God and wanting to. But instead of seeking Him out and asking Him questions, I stay away. I stay away because I have been around long enough to know that the truth is hard to hear sometimes. That wrestling with God can and most often will leave you with scars. My young and silly heart takes time to be willing to really want to know the answers. But I think I know what the answer is to seasons like this. I finally stopped long enough to pray for a bit a few days ago and I felt like God said, "You know if you just remembered what I said and kept it close to your heart, you would be ok." If I stayed close, if I read His words and His stories and listened to His voice, fear and loneliness wouldn't be able to chew me up and spit me out like that.

"My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will REMEMBER you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon- Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs me with his love, by night His song is with me- a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42: 6-8

"I waited patiently for the Lord and he turned to me and he heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in Him. Blessed are those who put their trust in the Lord..." Psalm 40: 1-4

Following Jesus and believing in something we can't see doesn't mean we have to be always wondering and questioning and unsure about our future. He gives us a solid, firm, safe, secure place to stand. And when we feel like we are falling of that firm place, all we have to do is remember...
All of my friends back home, I miss you dearly and cannot wait to see. Praying for you always, and I hope that you are squeezing all the life and joy out of everyday :)

Be brave,

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