It's hard to even start to tell the story of what I
feel like my journey with God is right now, and you might be able to understand that feeling. So I will just be a little bit vulnerable and honest for the sake of possibly taking some of you along with me in this. But I sit here tonight on my couch so incredibly grateful. Our God is so good. And if you don't believe that or think it's a lie then I am believing God and praying on your behalf that you see Him in a new way and know in your heart that He is good and faithful. I was reading in Matthew the story about the Last Supper all the way through to him being crucified. And this was the thought that I was struck this time around... I always think big scale when I think about what or who Jesus died for. Which is correct, because He took on the sins of all humanity for all generations to set us free. But reading about his dinner with the disciples and then them praying with Him on the mountain and denying Him and watching Him die...Jesus obviously had people He was close with. He had brothers and a mother and father and best friends,He healed people and taught them and their children and cities and towns weren't as big back then, so He was known by his community. On that day when He was nailed up to a tree...those were the people He was dying for. His best friends, his mom his cousins...But not just dying for. Their sins are why He had to die. His mother's lies, his brother's jealousy, his best friends' anger, his uncle's lustful thoughts. The people he healed and gave life to...their sins are what put Him on the cross. The disciples that fell asleep while He was crying out to God to take the cup away...their pride is why He had to die and pay a debt He didn't owe.
And the craziest thing to me, and the thing that made me cry while I read the stories today, is that He knew all of this from the very beginning and served and loved and treasured these people while He was flesh. He knew that as He saw his disciples argue and lie that their mistakes were what was going to cost Him his life. He knew that as He watched Mary and Joseph fight and bicker that their selfish would one day put Him on a cross, but He kept loving them while they were yet sinners. That must have been gut-wrenchingly painful. I cannot imagine it.
So I look at what I am blessed with. Yes, I want to fly home because it is hard to be here and to constantly be in an environment of growing and changing and realizing your weaknesses and flaws. Yes, I get afraid that I will yet again be single, living alone, wearing scrubs everyday eating Ramen Noodles for dinner like I was my last semester at Blinn... but forever. I fear that my family will get hurt. That my dreams won't be fulfilled.That God won't answer the deepest cries of my heart with "yes". But I am realizing...at the end of the day. Look at what He has done. The most extravagant, thoughtful, crazy, reckless, beautiful, selfless act of love in the history of this world has been accomplished on my behalf and with me in mind. I have no reason to worry or doubt. And I am praying God gives me strength to believe that. You are dearly loved and formed with perfection. He has your very best interest at heart at all time. And a loving God holds you in the palms of His nail-scarred hands. Take heart, be strong and courageous because your God hears you and will not forsake the ones He loves.